In 2005, the Lord spoke to my heart. He said, “Lori, I want you to buy yourself an American Girl doll.” “What?!” I responded. “But I am not a doll kind of person! What would I do with a doll?!”
I have a good friend whose daughter loves American Girl dolls. www.americangirl.com. Every time I would go to her house, I had a battle that would emerge within me. I was drawn to her dolls and at the same time I could feel a dislike in my heart for them.
I knew God was speaking because I could feel the conflict in my heart. God loves to speak to us when peace is missing. That is a sure sign He is trying to show us something if we take the time to ask Him what it is, and to listen.
I knew part of this, was the fact I did not know how to play and I yearned to know how to play again. I knew there was something deeper the Lord was trying to show me through these dolls.
One day, when I got home after a visit with my friend and her daughter, the Lord spoke to my heart. He told me to get online and buy myself an American Girl “Just Like You” doll. I thought He was nuts. Like seriously, what would I do with a doll! But because I adore Him, I obeyed what He was asking me to do.
A “Just Like You” doll is a doll you can order that has the same color hair and eyes as you. So, I did what the Lord told me to do. I was partially excited because as a little girl I had loved dolls, and yet I also had no idea what to do with dolls now that I was an adult! I was unprepared for the journey I was about to enter into with the Lord. Funny thing, He knew! Imagine that!
When I got the doll in the mail, I was completely taken back in my response to it. I was shocked at how I began to interact with this doll. I did not know what to do with the doll, nor did I like it. I found feelings coming up in me of hatred, anger, and a distain for the doll. The doll represented me.
The Lord began to use this doll as a prayer tool. And through the doll, the Lord began to show me how I really felt about myself.
I will never forget one time that year when I was asked to do a portion of the sermon at my old church. It was the spring of 2005. When I was done speaking and I got home, I took my doll off the shelf that she was sitting on. And I literally wanted to beat her against the wall. Such hatred erupted from my heart towards the doll (myself). And the hatred was very targeted at my speaking, at my heart, and at my voice. Thoughts emerged like, “you have nothing good to say, there is no good in you, you will NEVER speak again!”. Well, needless to say, I freaked out at the intensity of this experience. First thing I did, was I got my husband and confessed my thoughts to him. And so we prayed! And we prayed hard!
Through this, the Lord began to show me more to the deep root of self-hatred I had. And He showed me specifically how it was targeted at my heart and at my voice. This experience shook me to the core. And I got on my face before the Lord for days, and prayed for him to deliver me from this hatred of myself. I did not let up praying or seeking His face, until the freedom came. And He was faithful to set me free! Free to begin to love myself and delight in myself the way that He did!
Who would of known that God could use a doll as a tool of His healing power. But He did! He delivered me through an American Girl doll! Not only did He use the doll to remove some lies I believed about myself, He began to use the doll to teach me how how to speak LIFE over myself! This was the amazing and fun part.
Speak LIFE over ourselves? This feels kind of selfish doesn’t it? The enemy would love to tell us that to pray for ourselves is selfish, or wrong, or too religious. Funny, we can agree with, and even speak words of death, judgment, and condemnation over ourselves, and yet, when we think of building up or edifying ourselves in the Lord and in truth...well, that sounds selfish. The enemy loves perverting truth, and deceiving us.
God wants us to speak LIFE over ourselves! He absolutely adores it when we encourage ourselves and build ourselves up in Him! We are not glorifying self, we are glorifying the One who created us!
The Word of God says, “to love the Lord with all our heart, soul, mind, spirit and strength, and to love others as we love ourselves”. We are commanded to deeply love ourselves. And yet Satan perverts this by telling us we are prideful if we adore and love ourselves. The Lord delights in us, so why do we have a hard time smiling and delighting in ourselves? Why, does this seem so selfish and wrong? Because Satan is a thief and a deceiver. We have been deceived into thinking it is wrong or prideful to love ourselves. Satan knows our witness and testimony of Jesus’ love begins in our love for God and in our love for ourselves. We can never love others and testify to His love if we do not love ourselves first.
The Lord used this doll powerfully in my life to draw up the hatred and deliver me from it. Then, He used this doll to teach me how to prophesy life into and over my body, soul, and spirit. He used the doll to call up the fountain of living waters within me!
I love American Girl dolls now. I absolutely adore them! You will find them all over my house. I take them out and play with them often! I love dressing them up in princess dresses and placing crowns on their heads. For me, they symbolize our Kingdom identity. And it is one way I can express my passion to see the Kingdom of God released in people. They represent the destiny we are all called to play as Kingdom Heirs; as sons and daughters of the One True King.
We are not paupers, to be beaten down by the hand of condemnation, shame or judgment.
We are princes and princesses called to live our lives for the purposes of the King and His Kingdom.
